Light Switch
by Juushika Redgrave
Summary: After the events in Spriggan, Yu and Jean have a conversation that may destroy their relationship. Contains angst and a mm pairing.


Begun 7.31.02  
Completed 10.11.02  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Spriggan. I hope this is rather obvious. I am using it without permission. I am making no profit of any form.  
Warnings and notes: This fanfic contains angst, yaoi, references to sexual actions, and generally unhappy subjects. You have been warned. I appreciate reviews (here or sent to swiftskyes@hotmail.com), be they critiques or a general good/bad word. Enjoy.  
  
Light Switch  
  
  
Yu would never have noticed if it were not for what happened that night. The clues would have passed him by and he never would have put together the pieces. But the events of that night did happen, as they always did, and afterwards, for whatever reason, they spoke.  
  
The barracks were empty except for themselves and the room was dark. They lay on the same bed, holding each other yet trying to pretend they were not. In the dark, they could not see each other's faces. They preferred it that way. They always had sex in the dark, where each could forget who the other was. At least, that was how it began.  
  
It started as no more than a stress release. They fed their energy and adrenaline into it, and then they could sleep peacefully. In the beginning it was no more than that.  
  
That night began no differently from any other. Both Yu and Jean carried in themselves a wealth of stagnant energy. That day had been the culmination of the Spriggan Project: Noah's Arc, Mac Dougal, and the near destruction of life. It was every reason that they did what they did. Their bodies sang with energy. Yu was heavily injured, and so Jean was careful, but still both found the release they needed in sex.  
  
Afterwards they lay together in the dark room, on the same bed, silent. But then Jean spoke, and the beginning was over, and both would forever wonder what prompted those words.  
  
"We had our victory," he said.  
  
Yu grunted a vague agreement.  
  
"The Spriggan Project was a success."  
  
"It was."  
  
They lapsed into silence for a moment, but soon enough Jean spoke again, as if desperate for conversation.  
  
"The Pentagon will be weaker, now, with –-"  
  
"Can we just stop talking about what happened today?" Yu turned from Jean to face the wall.  
  
"What would you rather we talk about?"  
  
"Nothing. We should sleep."  
  
The minds and muscles of both men were numb with exhaustion, but now the room was filled with tension and neither could relax. After some time, Yu turned onto his back again, closer to Jean's hold.  
  
"What was it you said, when we were escaping the Arc?" he asked.  
  
Jean's body moved in a single, silent laugh. "I told you: nothing."  
  
"You said something. What was it?"  
  
Jean released his hold on Yu and rolled onto his back. "Maybe you should take a hint and not ask."  
  
"Tell me," responded Yu, ignoring the warning.  
  
"I said 'but that's what I like about you.' Now shut up and go to sleep."  
  
"Oh." Yu stared up at the ceiling in the dark. "What did you –-"  
  
"What do you think I meant?"  
  
Again: "Oh."  
  
The room was silent. Eventually Jean turned to face away from Yu, but neither slept.  
  
Emotions had never been a part of their relationship before. It was sex, and that was all. This introduction of emotion was dangerous. Since they had first met, Jean had been trying to teach Yu to control the berserk mode that he possessed. The emotions of the berserker mind and body –- rage, hate, and fury –- held in them potential ruin. One cannot think when the mind is clouded by emotion. This was the same thing: care and love held the potential to warp the mind.  
  
Jean had taught Yu this, and he had taught it well.  
  
The admission that Jean held feelings for Yu was a light switch, turning the overhead light on, making Yu and Jean people and giving them faces.  
  
Many minutes passed in the dark. Their heavy, erratic breaths were audible, far from the deep breath of sleep. Eventually, Yu spoke.  
  
"We need to talk about this."  
  
"What is there to talk about?" Jean's voice was hard and ntentionally cold.  
  
"Emotions can warp facts and cloud judgment."  
  
"I know that."  
  
Yu waited for Jean to continue.  
  
"Do you think I want this to happen? I understand the possible   
consequences just as well as you do."  
  
"I'm sure you do."  
  
"If I could change how I felt, I would."  
  
For a moment, the room was silent. Then Yu spoke.  
  
"This is the last time we can do this," he said. It was simple: the statement of a fact.  
  
Unspoken words caught in Jean's throat. He did not respond.  
  
Once again the room was silent. Above their heads, water rushed through pipes, and the muffled sound filled the room. It dwindled, and stopped. Yu stared up at the ceiling, Jean's eyes focused on the band of light underneath the door across the room.  
  
"I can't sleep." Jean's voice was a whisper.  
  
"Neither can I."  
  
And so, they had sex again, and then they finally slept.  
  
  
  
  
It was easy for Yu and Jean to avoid each other. Yu returned to school, now far behind in his studies, and Jean stayed at the ARCAM base as it was cleared and dismantled. It was simple enough for each to find a way to occupy his mind: Yu wrote his report on the Mac Dougal incident, studied, and trained; Jean returned to France and worked from there. It was simple enough.  
  
They thought little of each other until months later. January rolled around, and the ARCAM annual conference was called. Held that year in ARCAM's Tokyo office, everyone that could come did come, and the security was high.  
  
Yu and Jean saw each other again on the day Yu arrived.  
  
Yu had been found his room and changed out of jeans and a pullover to a more formal outfit of slacks and a white shirt, even although he would not be needed in a meeting until the next day. It was 20:00 hours local time, and Yu went down to the third floor of the high rise, to the cafeteria.  
  
Yu showed his ID at the door and entered -– then he saw Jean. The other was already eating, sitting alone, a sheaf of paper in front of him. The cafeteria was nearly empty, and it was quiet. Their eyes met, and then both looked away.  
  
Yu grabbed a tray and went to the counter. He ordered a particularly unappetizing teriyaki chicken rice bowl and sat down across the room from where Jean was.  
  
Yu's seat was nowhere near the exit –0 yet Jean found a way to go by him, as if it was on his way out. "Ominae," he said, and he made it seem normal and natural. He made Yu lose his appetite.  
  
  
  
  
The next day found them in the ARCAM meeting, sitting side by side along the long black table. A white coffee cup sat before each seat, and as the last officials sat down two women went around to fill them. Yu and Jean both kept their eyes fixed firmly ahead.  
  
Unnecessary formal introductions went around the table, and the meeting was called to order.  
  
Mac Dougal and Noah's Arc were both mentioned, of course, as well as the deaths of Little Boy and Fattmann, and the Pentagon's involvement, and other attacks, discoveries, and occurrences of the last year. Nothing happened that Yu had not expected, and nothing was said that he did not already know.  
  
Not once did Jean misspeak, and not once did Yu falter -– yet the tension was there. Yu felt it when he realized that he noticed every move that Jean made –- each time he reached for his coffee, each time he shifted in his seat, each time he opened his mouth in an unspoken disagreement or comment, Yu noticed it. He noticed, too, that Jean's eyes followed his own moves. The tension was there.  
  
Above the head of the table, the hands of the clock traveled. Late morning became noon, and orders for lunch were taken and then food was served. Afternoon came, and then early evening. Finally all that could be said had been said, and the meeting was disbanded.  
  
Yu went immediately to the gym on the fifth floor. The treadmill was not as satisfying as running outside, but due to security and traffic he had no choice but to stay indoors. He ran a few miles at a near sprint, pushing himself until his well-trained body finally grew tired. Then he slowed the treadmill to walking speed and closed his eyes, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. Metal clicked somewhere to his side as someone worked on the weights, and another treadmill began behind him. He heard footsteps.  
  
"Ominae." Jean spoke from beside him, voice as sharp and as closed as ever.  
  
"Hello, Jean." Yu shut off the treadmill and opened his eyes. He stood just a few inches above Jean, and looked down at him, his breathing now returned to normal.  
  
"If avoiding each other interferes with our work, it's as bad as any emotion," Jean said, and it was as if he was only continuing the conversation that had ended months ago.  
  
"It won't." Yu grabbed his towel from the treadmill's handlebar and wiped the sweat from his hairline and the back of his neck.  
  
"Good."  
  
Yu stepped down from the treadmill.  
  
"We've both to be assigned to the North American Redwood Base," Jean said. "It will be announced tomorrow."  
  
The next day, the Spriggan were to meet with officers and commanders from each base throughout the globe.  
  
"Why both of us?" Yu asked.  
  
"The Redwood ruins are in America, where the Pentagon's power is the strongest. With continuing new developments there, ARCAM doesn't want to take unnecessary risks."  
  
"And we're the best they've got."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Yu turned away and walked toward the lockers and showers. Jean followed him.  
  
"Nothing will get in the way of our work," Yu said as he walked.  
  
Jean did not need to respond.  
  
They went from the exercise room to the locker room.  
  
"So, why're you following me?" Yu's verbal lightness was forced.  
  
"I came to work out. I need to change."  
  
"Aa."  
  
They went their separate ways: Yu to the showers, Jean to the lockers. Yu rinsed under lukewarm water, not bothering to use soap, and left with a towel wrapped around his waist.  
  
Jean was the only person in the locker room. He had already changed into shorts and a tank, and had one foot up on the bench in the center of the room as he tied the laces on his sneakers.  
  
Yu opened his locker, took out his boxers.  
  
Jean switched to the other foot.  
  
Yu's hands went to the end of his towel, where it was tucked in. He paused, glanced at Jean.  
  
"I've seen you naked, Ominae," Jean said. He lowered his foot from the bench but did not move.  
  
"That was before. This is now."  
  
Jean shrugged one shoulder. "I'll leave you, then."  
  
When he was gone Yu was able to drop his towel, exposing a weak erection to the air. He dressed quickly and then bypassed the dinner to go directly to his room.  
  
  
  
  
The next morning, after a long shower and a leisurely breakfast, Yu found himself waiting outside of a conference room. The Spriggan meeting was not scheduled to begin for another half hour, but he had run out of things to do. As he waited he listened to the sounds that came from the conference room: chairs being straightened and mugs being set out. On his watch the time counted down slowly: 9:30, 9:34, 9:37...  
  
A man in his twenties came to stand near Yu. He nodded a greeting, and then opened a skinny folder and read something from within it.  
  
9:39, 9:42, 9:45...  
  
Jean came around the corner, walked towards Yu, and took a place across the hall from him. Yu could feel his heart rate increase.  
  
"You're shirt's coming untucked," Jean said.  
  
Yu looked down, straightened the fabric, tucked it in. "Thanks." He looked back to his watch -– 9:46 –- and switched between that and the floor, pretending to be interested as people filed in, and ignored Jean.  
  
At 9:50, the doors were opened. Yu took his seat, marked with a metal placecard. Jean took his seat, to Yu's left.  
  
The meeting began promptly at ten o'clock. Again, coffee was poured and again, introductions were made. Supervisors from bases around the world were present, and each gave a report on his base. Plans to take in new American recruits were announced. Plans for a new base in South America were also announced. Finally, changes in position of the Spriggan were announced, and the order came exactly as Jean had said it would.  
  
"Ominae Yu and Jean Jaques Mondo will be transferred to the North American Redwood Base for the duration of the next year or until further notice. All possible care must be taken at this base due to its location in America."  
  
"Sir."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
That was all that was said, but it was enough. Yu would leave Japan for America –- the details of the transfer would be with his supervisor when he returned –- and he would report to a new base. Moreover, he would be living and working in the same environment as Jean. In the past they had seen each other only infrequently, and then only while on mission. They had never so much as passed the day together. Jean and Yu had known each other on the battlefield and in the bedroom -– nothing more.  
  
Orders were orders. The topic changed and the meeting went on.  
  
Yu knew that Jean had stopped listening. His senses stayed alert to important information, but his mind slipped away to think of other things. It was clear in his relaxed posture and in the fixed stare of his eyes. Yu, too, drifted away from the meeting. While the events around the table passed him by, nothing about Jean did. Each breath caught his eye, every movement made him look over.  
  
Jean had a file of papers in front of him –- everyone at the conference did: the pages had been handed out after the coffee was served. Jean produced a pen, pulled the paper towards him, and wrote in the margin: "You're staring."  
  
Yu read the writing, glanced at Jean again, and then pulled himself back into the conference. It bored him, but it was distraction enough.  
  
The meeting ended just before 14:00 hours.  
  
Yu stood to leave, passed those who stopped to talk, and made his way quickly into the hall.  
  
He felt a touch on his arm and knew it was Jean. They stood at the bend in the hall. Before them was the corridor to the elevators. To their left was the door to another conference room, and it stood ajar.  
  
"Going to the gym?" Jean asked. "I can tell you have some energy to burn off."  
  
Yu spoke quiet and low so that the few people passing them could not hear. "Look, Jean, you're being a pain in the ass. Would you please just shut up and leave me alone?"  
  
Jean, never flustered and never angry, only shrugged. "I won't be able to do that when we transfer to the Redwood Base."  
  
"Jean –-"  
  
"You said this wouldn't get in the way of our work."  
  
"Well, ok, so it is. What can we do about it? There's no other alternative."  
  
"You know there is."  
  
"Relationships cloud judgment and –"  
  
"Shut up, Yu."  
  
Jean glanced down both halls, pushed open the door to their left, pulled Yu inside, and shut the door behind himself.  
  
In the privacy, Yu raised his voice. "I don't have time for –"  
  
"Shut up, Yu."  
  
And then Jean kissed him.  
  
The lights were on in the room, and as the kiss ended and they parted, each could clearly see the other's face. Just for a moment, Jean did not look so collected or so calm.  
  
"It was fine when it was just sex. Is this that much worse?"  
  
They kissed again, and broke apart with disheveled hair and wrinkled clothing.  
  
"What's your room number?" Yu asked.  
  
"1022."  
  
"918. I'm closer."  
  
They straightened their clothes, ran fingers though their hair, and left the conference room. They went up the elevators to the ninth floor, and Yu unlocked his door.  
  
They entered, and all they could do was stand by the door and look at each other, nervous, both expecting the other to look away. And then Jean stepped forward, put his hands on Yu's shoulders, and kissed him. It became much easier after that. Their bodies followed the path that thousands had followed in hundreds of rooms like this, from doorway to bed, leaving clothes in their wake. It was so simple, just to touch each other, to feel that electricity and pleasure that was so easy to understand.  
  
But they had forgotten the light switch and above them, the light was on. Yu could see Jean's hands when they touched him, and he could see Jean's face above him. It was a person there, and that person brought with him emotions.  
  
As they lay together on the bed, moaning, panting, the light made Yu stop it all.  
  
His words were forced and broken. "Jean -– get off. We can't do this."  
  
His hands pushed Jean away, and there was electricity in even that touch.  
  
They pulled apart, both reluctant, desire still strong but now beginning to fade.  
  
"We can't do this," Yu said again.  
  
The bedsheet had been kicked to the floor. Jean pulled it up to go across his waist. "Why not?"  
  
"What happens if we find out we love each other? What then?"  
  
Jean did not respond, leaving Yu to answer his own question.  
  
"There's far too much at stake –- what we do is too important, you know that. If our priorities are in the wrong places or if emotions become a factor and we screw up, people will die."  
  
For a moment it seemed that Yu knew the lessons that Jean had been waiting for him to learn better than Jean himself did.  
"And, damn it, I still have a hard-on, and I can't think like this." Yu shook his head and ran a fist over his eyes.  
"I can take care of that."  
  
"Shut up Jean. Just –- shut up." His hands clenched hopelessly with nothing to hold on to. "So I'm attracted to you. So I admire you. But, fuck it, Jean, we can't do this. Get out of my room."  
  
Jean stood –- he, too, was still aroused –- and Yu watched him hunt for his clothes. They had been wearing nearly identical pants and shirts, but Jean checked the tags and found his.  
  
He dressed.  
  
"I'll talk with my supervisor about getting someone to take my place at the Redwood Base."  
  
He left.  
  
  
  
  
Yu served at the North American Redwood Base with two young Spriggan and without Jean. The base was set up in a Californian Redwood forest, surrounded by those gigantic trees that ARCAM suspected to be an artifact.  
  
When Yu first arrived, the place was generally unknown and he was able to wander the woods; but time passed and the area became less safe, and Yu was forced to remain on base. His energy began to build up. There were no attacks, there were no distractions, he could not leave the compound alone, and even without Jean there, he thought of him.  
  
Before, he had not thought of Jean –- Jean was a rival, a mentor, and an infrequent bed partner, but nothing more. Now Jean sat in his thoughts all of the time: as he listened to his tutor, as he worked out, as he masturbated, as he slept. It was a constant distraction.  
  
When he saw Jean on base he did not know what to do.  
  
Yu was in bed, reading. It was nearly midnight. There was a knocking. Shirtless, wearing drawstring pants, he answered the door. Jean stood on the other side.  
  
Jean pushed past Yu, stepping into the room as if were his own. He shut the door behind him.  
  
"Jean? Why're you here?" Again, there was the familiar quickening of his heart beat.  
  
Jean ignored the question. "You're sleeping poorly, aren't you? Your attention span is limited. You have too much energy. Others are worried. Your physician has threatened to recommend that you take time off."  
  
Yu shrugged. "Yeah. Who told you?"  
  
"No one. The same things have been happening to me."  
  
They faced each other.  
  
Jean said, "I'm not leaving here until this is worked out."  
  
"I told you: we can't do this."  
  
"Right now, the only thing I care about is getting the pressure of you out of my head."  
  
Jean stepped forward, Yu stepped back.  
  
"Don't do this."  
  
Jean took another step forward, and now Yu's back was against the wall. Jean put one hand to the wall, near Yu's head, and learned forward.  
  
"Maybe what the world needs now is some passion."  
  
"You're making excuses. Emotions –"  
  
"You talk too much."  
  
Jean kissed Yu then, and there was no more room for talk. The light switch had not been flipped, but this time the heartbeats were too fast and the bodies ached to hard, and neither of them could stop it. They made love in the light.  
  
Afterward, they lay on Yu's bed, sheets pushed down to the foot, staring at the ceiling.  
  
"Hypothetical question," Yu said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've been shot twice and I might be bleeding to death – you don't know. An opposing agent is about to get an important component of an artifact. What do you do?"  
  
"Shoot my opponent and save my partner."  
  
"Ok. You don't have a gun."  
  
"Blade?"  
  
"No. No weapons, no projectiles, nothing."  
  
Jean paused only for a moment. "Kill my opponent and save my partner."  
  
"You're saying what I want to hear."  
  
Jean did not respond.  
  
"What would you do if you thought I was going to die?"  
  
Still, Jean was silent.  
  
"I told you, this won't work."  
  
"We may not be partnered in the future."  
  
"You know we will be –- unless you want to explain this fiasco to ARCAM, and suffer those consequences."  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"You win, Yu. You were right. There's no solution. Emotions cloud –-"  
  
"I know."  
  
There was a long silence, and still they watched the ceiling.  
  
"I could resign."  
  
"Like hell you will."  
  
For a moment more all was still, and then Jean sat up, moved his legs to stand.  
  
A hand found Jean's wrist and refused to let go. "Get back here."  
  
Jean lay back down, and Yu rolled over to lie above him, supporting himself on his elbows. Their bodies pressed together and their faces were close.  
  
Yu's voice was a whisper. "You do know that I think of you every day, don't you? You know I admire you? I wish I had your strength and your control. I think you hair is beautiful."  
  
Yu leaned down, kissed Jean.  
  
"We can't do this –- that's all. We'll find self control: we have to. That doesn't mean I won't think of you."  
  
Yu leaned down again, but Jean spoke.  
  
"Get off."  
  
Yu rolled away. Jean sat up, stood up, found his clothes, and dressed. He left, and he did not say goodbye.  
  
  
  
  
Jean completed his tour of the base and then returned to France. He took the physician's recommended break and spent two weeks away from work. When he returned he was back to his normal, efficient, effective, cold self.  
  
Yu executed an infiltration mission with the two other Spriggan at the base, and discovered the Pentagon's plans to lay siege on and capture the Redwood Base. He threw himself into his work, safeguarding the complex and preparing for the counter attack.  
  
Time passed, and emotions faded, as they do.  
When Yu and Jean saw each other again, two days before the Pentagon's planned attack, they were partners and nothing more. The plane flew in at night and Yu was sent to bring Jean to the base safely, making sure the Pentagon had no knowledge that the second First Class Spriggan had arrived. As they ran though the night, dressed in black, barely able to see each other move, it was as they had been before the night that had ended the beginning. The lights were off. They were faceless to each other –- soldiers and partners only –- one fast, one strong; one cold, one driven.  
  
But the comfort in the night was gone, and that, if nothing else, they were forced to find elsewhere. The night that the Pentagon was brought to its knees, plans met and bested, Yu and Jean returned to separate beds. 


End file.
